6/25/2026 not calm still

back to angry and deleting discord. clock got reset. gonna keep playing this stupid game for another two weeks it seems.

6/19/2026 calm still

brain okay, no notes

6/18/2026 PM, calm brain today

doing fine, doing fine. work wasn't busy busy, which sometimes can be bad but my brain was okay so it just turned into watching some youtube videos and not staring at the notes app trying to think of what my brain is trying to tell me.

I think something I can actually do on here that would be sustainable and cute would be a kind of rescue blog, like give weekly updates for what's going on. I think it would be neat to have a record of things. I don't know if I wanna like, fanfic it up? like write it from the cats' perspectives. something like that? probably won't do that.

quiet brain is still saying it's fine to keep running down the clock on discord. 7 days left to change my mind, so whatevs.

6/18/2026 AM, replied yay

he replied and I had definitely started dooming bc it made me cry a lil hehe, but he encouraged me to keep trying new things which is kinda what I needed to hear? idk like getting somebody's blessing that its okay to move on without litigating things best left alone. this is awful on mobile so I'll stop here lol

6/17/2026 less not bad but fine ig

trying not to doom at not getting a follow up, but certainly am not trying to put any stock in it either. It'd be soooo cool to be the last one to send a message for 3 of my 4 closest friendships though.

I've been spending some of my social currency more wisely. Yesterday talking to volunteer grandma, today talking to work grandma. It's great to be stealing overtime just talking about cats (bc work grandma is also a cat lady hehe). if I only connect with old people for my whole life eventually they'll be my peers, I suppose.

Is it throwing away my friendships to point out to them that I don't feel like they're being good friends? Am I saying it wrong? Is there even a right way to say it? are they just not good friends? How does anybody learn fucking anything when nobody tells them what they're doing wrong? Like sure, they don't owe me anything, but we've been friends for almost 5 years and I would do for them what I'm asking from them. That's the hard part to let go of. They've done Big things for me in the past, all of them, but maybe the difference is those things were inarguably not self-inflicted? surely it isn't bringing it upon myself to take somebody who says they're 'open to talk' at their word and then waiting a week and a half for them to respond when I know they're pretty slow, before giving up on them. this whole fucking thing is stupid.

Would it have been better to start shit? I know people react more to anger. Fuck me for having the self control to not blow up at people, idk. instead I'm just mildly unpleasant and that's neither worthy of trying to calm me down nor bring me up.

leaning harder into the delete camp today for sure

6/16/2026 not so bad today

ended up messaging my and N's friend, was nice to get a response in 8 minutes flat but i dunno if much other than feeling slightly less lonely will come of it. Was nice to vent out a little bit of my frustration and make my brain known to somebody without taking any cheap shots. Maybe he'll talk to her and get more of the story bc I didn't say much specifics, but idk not really expecting anything. still leaning towards discy deletion, but also maybe just making an alt? idk like, throwing away discord as a method of finding new communities seems stupid but I've never actually used it for that, just for friend groups and emote servers mostly. Big servers with lots of strange strangers are scawy.

messaged my step mom r.e. father's day, so that's not something I'm ignoring and letting add stress to my life, which was nice of me to do for me

tuesdays are my volunteering days with the kitties. I'm usually with two other people, both old ladies in their 80s. I love surrogate grandmas, since i don't always have the best relationship with my remaining living one and didn't have much of one with my dead one. I find that they're so much easier to talk to than people my age. I have a work grandma too. Sometimes I feel like I'm closer to them, or at least more open with them, than with my actual mother who I live with. I think I look for middle age women as therapists to be my surrogte mothers hehe. I do not want a male therapist bc men suck even though I am one. I don't really have any dysphoria other than with the word man, and like all the multitude connotations that being a man has in society, which is perfectly reasonable imo. Maybe it's the lack of trustworthy father figures, not that mine are bad they're just definitely not people I confide in.

It's definitely something i've thought about a lot, not having much emotional connection with my parents. With my first therapist it came up a fair bit, but I think how things ended up was more just like acknowledging that my mom isn't going to be my best friend but that I can still trust her to do parent stuff. When I first met my good ex's parents, I was like awestruck. They were *so* cool and fun and open and nerdy and it's no wonder their daughter was so wonderful. Her mom offered me edibles (I don't partake) and they joked about going to the store and if we needed anything, condoms, whatnot, just so casual and free and funny and welcoming and her dad gave me guitar picks and ugh. If she had been my first girlfriend I'd probably have married her. but I can't have nice things, yet. I hope she's doing well.

anyways, with volunteering included I 'worked' like 12 hours today so I'm too tired for bad thoughts, just the way life should be.

6/15/2026 less overwhelming than the last one hopefully

being rational minded again is tough bc it makes things more complicated, which they actually are, but I don't want it complicated I want it easy

I fucking hate therapists that try scheduling shit over the phone, like no. I'd way rather like walk into their office than make a phone call, but like just fucking email me.

work morale is kinda low, which makes the days feel long. Firing half the team and being expected to pick up all the slack because now we're using 'AI' which isn't even correct bc the program isn't using hardly any AI at least in like the modern sense (though it sure as fuck feels vibe coded ngl) and it's mostly traditional maths still, but our stupid fucking developer is so annoying to work with, slow to respond if they bother to at all, pushing updates that aren't complete or even fucking tested for basic usability let alone reliability and accuracy, but it's 'good enough' to work with so I, a lowly tech, have to work with it, and since i'm the point of reference for our output all the quality checking and communication has been on me to keep shit from being Awful and instead just be Bad. I'm cheating the clock now for like an hour of overtime a day bc fuck the company, but i'm still actually working more than I used to and they're being pushier on getting the biggest numbers out of us that they can, and I'm doing like 60% of the output for a 2.5 person team and since I'm already trying hard to stay sane bc of non-work shit, I've been working too hard and if I slack off extra now it'll be noticeable and ughhhhhh. I just want something to improve somewhere idk.

discord account deletes on the 26th. I told my bestie who I'm also upset with but way less than N bc she's got a bunch of shit of her own. I had thoughts about telling N's best friend, but idk it feels too close to stirring the shit or like having him intervene when I don't want him to, and I've been miffed with him even before all this shit went down bc we've talked in the past about both like being the only ones who initiate in the group and that sucking and idk nothing really changes.

more of me wants to be a stubborn asshole and follow through with my own stupid plan, and see what the consequences are, than wants to suck up and give in and be mature just so I can be fucking disappointed again, but idk i'm sure that balance will fluctuate a Lot before the 26th is here

I keep trying to think about if there's any other trauma in my life that's making this worse than it needs to be, not that everything I'm already aware of isn't bad enough, but like why was that as bad as it was for me? yk. not really coming up with anything specific, just general bad ability to make and keep friends. I started reading the EMDR primer book but got only far enough that's like, oh this will unlock ur hidden memories so u can reprocess them but like they're the least hidden memories i have, i think about this shit non stop so idk what benefit it would do to keep going with that

one thing I do think will be nice about a deleted discord account is that it's also where everything with my ex happened so like, Fully cleaning the slate will be relieving. I deleted my twitch account years ago bc of it, and that's been mostly positive for me. way too fucking much of that breakup was me having to keep myself away. I break and do some light internet stalking every now and then which is how i know they're married but I went a whole year without doing that right up until my trip, and then again a few days ago. absolutely no desire to interact, but some evil thoughts are nice to play with when I feel bad already

idk overall, nothing good, nothing bad, life sucks but it's been worse

6/14/2026 like, all of everything in my head rn lol

I'm quitting all of my online friendships...

ok so like 2020/2021 sucked for everybody but i found my first real friends Ever online and started dating one of them and got mental health help and therapy and allat, shit was great for about a year. She was from down under, me a boring ol' merican, so our 1 year anniversary we planned her to come out here. She also plans to spend time with another friend for a couple weeks before me, we're all friends, I trust her and him, yadda yadda, they cheat on me, hide it, I meet up with them as planned, they treat me like shit, I'm still naive and in love so I think things will get better once she and I are alone together, yadda yadda, lose my virginity, show her to my family, let her in my safe places, yadda yadda, she breaks up with me ("I don't need you anymore") but we're totally still friends and still fuck at least once bc I'm still naive and still in love, oh now she says she's ace (yeah fucking right), oh now she can't stand to be with me at all and is cutting our trip short to be with the other guy

so getting Zero resolution from that breakup other than her being a thoughtless selfish cunt was pretty bad for me... and delayed sexual trauma once I came down a bit and realized how fucking disgusting it was to have sex with somebody who broke my biggest and most thoroughly established requirement of "don't cheat on me" (cause of my parents divorce and a bunch of childhood shit yk) and how much my sex drive drove me into a wall, not showering for 6 weeks bc being naked and vulnerable was worse than feeling like you have 6 weeks of dead skin and sweat on your body, raping yourself bc a masturbation session that started off safe got triggered near the end but your body says you can't stop while your mind is fucking screaming and trying to get away and get it over with and . . .

but it's fine, she doesn't think she abused me and they're married now and I'm crashing out 4 years later bc I told a girl (I'll call her N) I liked her and then she ghosted me even after saying she cared about me and was open to talk, and all of my emotional abandonment trauma says to run the fuck away from anything that's remotely related to her now which is All of my friends bc that's how friend groups work and it's fucking stupid and ugh

I was still in therapy during the breakup and I told my therapist that I felt like I wanted to be raped again, because it was so fucking exhausting to keep fighting myself and my own sexuality and I just wanted my body to fuck off and stop making me want anything to do with sex, and my therapist took it as me having a new kink :/ which was a great way for me to never fucking talk to her about that again

Sex stuff is mostly chill now. I had good, safe sex 1.5 times with a wonderful, sweet girl who I broke up with bc I was way too insecure still and couldn't fall in love with her and turned her into a trigger by (literally) sleeping together and being frozen in fear stuck in her arms awake and panicking internally like a rat in a trap waiting for what felt like hours for a moment where I could slip away from my own fucking bed to find somewhere else to sleep.

emotionally connecting with people is still hard as hell, and so getting myself to a point again of letting myself be Interested in a person enough to have feelings and not be scared of them took soooo much work and support. N and I played at dating a year and a half ago, and became better friends for it even though nothing really happened. The closest I got back then was "I could see myself being in love with you" hehe. Which was a lot and I was proud of that, but long distance and depression and etc etc made me nope out of that too

last month i went on my first international trip to see N and other friends, and N and I held hands and played at dating just a teensy bit more than we did when we were actually dating, but we didn't plan for anything to happen and are too safe and scared for anything to have happened, which is fine. But feelings got uncovered and I was like, well now I can vouch for who she is bc I've met her and I like her even after that, so fuck it let's see where things are, and I ask her if I can talk about my feelings and her one reply is like, omg i'm so sorry I didn't mean to lead you on (which I mean like, kinda? but not really. I don't take genuinely expressed mutual interest as that, even if she wasn't intending to date me) and she rereads our breakup which was very definitive on my end bc soft breakups suck (see the beginning of this entry) and so she's operating from that information, but she still cares a lot about and is open to talk if I want to.

so, silly me, I try talking openly. I don't even know that it matters what I said. I was open and honest and told her where I am at now, what I might want but mostly want to talk about it. and I reread our breakup myself, and ask if she wants to talk about that? bc I can do a better job of explaining it since it seemed like it was still a point of pain for her. Multiple avenues of discussion, at least one direct yes or no question, qualifiers that I'm just looking to talk and I don't need her to fall in love with me or anything, but nah fuckin ghosted. I gave her a week, then two more days, nothin. blocked her bc I don't even want to hear from her at this point, but ofc her relationships with all of our friends is better than mine so now I feel like I'm making the choice for them of her vs me by just fucking off entirely from everybody, which is stupid and irrational but I don't even feel like it's irrational because being ghosted by one of your closest friends for trying to talk about something important to you, especially important to the future of the friendship, just fucking sucks sucks sucks, and HOW THE FUCK DO YOU FIGHT SOMEBODY WHO GHOSTS YOU, like I can't get other people involved without sounding like a whiny needy bitch and she's not acting like a fucking adult who can't even say 'um I'd rather not talk about it actually, sorry' and I just want people who can fucking meet me in the middle, give and take, I send you cat pics you say omg cute, I tell you omg I cried so much during Lilo and Stitch you say yeah that's a great movie, give me fucking something, anybody (those last two were to another friend not N)

so anyways here I am, three emails to therapists, one Long, Hot 11 mile hike in June in AZ, and one website later trying to reassure myself that I fucking matter and that it really isn't that fucking hard to be friends but I'm not worth it ig, and I knowwwww reading this it's like omg no shit nobody is friends with you this sounds like way too much to handle. no this is what bottling looks like and I only open the cork in my own face, I try so hard to be responsive and share things I think are cool but I get so little back :( maybe that's just the autism speaking bc it takes so much effort to achieve the minimum that it feels like a lot. idk, this brain fucking sucks when it comes to people

long story long, I'm deleting my discord account entirely even though my whole social life was on it. this whole website thing is like, trying to figure out who I am still and how to meet people without social media or without any physical social skills bc that never worked growing up either and the way I met this last friend group is a trigger bc of my bitch ex being so perfectly awful and idk I just hope it's the right thing to do for me. It doesn't feel like it's coming from a place of pure emotion, like, obviously I recognize the abandoment trauma and the correlation to this new situtation, and the value that my friends have brought to me over the years, and I still think it's worth it to leave it all behind and start over somewhere else and hope that I can make the next thing work better. I'm not suicidal anymore, even in this wild crazy shitty state of mind, just fuckin lonely.

it's been really neat to see glimpses of people's lives here. it's a bit wild westy in terms of age ranges and just like, the variety of people and interests and topics, but it's that variety that makes it so easy to feel like you can pop up and poke your head around and understand that the people who are looking around enough to find you are people like me looking for connection. I want this site to be more than the pillow I scream into, but doing something as intensive as reading, analyzing, and commenting on the 40k word academic monstrosity on a Completely unfamliar topic that is the Pope's Encyclical on AI is, shall we say, difficult. But this is here for me, too, and things are set up enough that I feel like I can add to that and not get so distracted if I'm really in the mood to work on it.